so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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