Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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