Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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