I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
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