i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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