Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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