Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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