Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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