when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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