Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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