well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
