we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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