I'm going to jail i love you
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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