when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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