I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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