Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
