ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
