Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
