it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
