It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?