you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
