i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
