Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
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I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
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My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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