the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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