i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
