we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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