Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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