I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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