I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
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