I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
