I am midnight drunk by noon
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
