I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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