woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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