i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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