see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
