you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
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I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
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Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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