i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
