yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
