I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
