whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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