Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
