proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Are we still banned from the library?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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