Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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