youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
