Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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