What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
