and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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