I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
