haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm at about main and main street
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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