just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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