I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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