so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
