Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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