If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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