The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
